What Grief Actually Looks Like (and why you might feel ‘off’ years later)
Grief is supposed to come in waves, soften with time, maybe follow linear stages, and eventually make room for “closure.” At least, that’s what many of us are taught. But for a lot of people, grief doesn’t follow that script at all. Instead, it shows up sideways—years later, in ways that are confusing, uncomfortable, and easy to judge yourself for. If you’ve ever thought, “I should be over this by now,” you’re not alone and you’re not doing grief wrong.
Why So Many People Feel “Off” Long After a Loss
One of the hardest things about grief is how quietly it can live inside us.
You may have:
returned to work
taken care of others
kept functioning
done what was needed at the time
From the outside, it can look like you handled things well. But grief isn’t processed on a checklist or a timeline. Often, it waits until there’s enough safety, space, or slowing down to be felt. When it finally surfaces, it can feel disorienting, especially if the loss happened years ago. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your system adapted in order to survive.
What We’re Often Taught Grief Should Look Like
Many people expect grief to be:
intense but brief
primarily emotional (sadness, tears)
resolved through time and resilience
along a linear timeline of predictable stages
There’s also a lot of cultural pressure to:
be strong
stay productive
“move forward”
avoid burdening others with your pain
While these expectations are common, they leave out a crucial truth: grief is not just emotional. It is physical, relational, and deeply tied to the nervous system. It’s a whole-body-system experience. For most of us, when it doesn’t have room to be felt safely, it often goes underground.
What Grief Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Grief doesn’t always announce itself as grief. More often, it shows up in ways that feel indirect or disconnected from the original loss. Some common emotional signs of grief can include:
Irritability or a short fuse
Feeling numb or flat
Sudden waves of sadness that seem to come out of nowhere
Guilt or anger that feels confusing or “too much”
Some common physical signs of grief can include:
Ongoing fatigue or heaviness
Tightness in the chest, throat, or stomach
Changes in sleep or appetite
Feeling on edge, jumpy, or shut down
Some common cognitive and behavioral signs can include:
Brain fog or difficulty concentrating
Forgetfulness
Pulling away from people
Staying constantly busy to avoid slowing down
These experiences can show up months—or even years—after a loss, especially once life quiets down enough for your body to say, “Now we can feel this.”
Why Grief Can Resurface Years Later
Grief doesn’t disappear just because time passes. It often resurfaces when something in your life touches the original loss.
Common triggers include:
milestones or anniversaries
becoming a parent
another loss or major transition
illness or medical experiences
finally having emotional or relational safety
Sometimes grief is layered with trauma, especially when a loss was sudden, overwhelming, or unsupported. In those cases, the nervous system may stay in survival mode for a long time before it has the capacity to process what happened. This isn’t a failure of resilience. It’s a sign of how deeply your system worked to protect you.
When Grief Feels Stuck or Heavy
Some people worry that if grief hasn’t softened, it means something is wrong with them. In reality, grief can become heavier when:
it had to be pushed aside to survive
there was no safe place to express it
it was minimized or misunderstood
it was layered with earlier losses or trauma
This is sometimes called complicated grief, but that phrase can feel harsh or pathologizing. What it often really means is that the grief didn’t have enough room, support, or attunement at the time. Grief doesn’t need to be fixed. It needs to be held.
How Grief Therapy Can Help
Grief therapy is not about making the pain go away or forcing acceptance. At Wild Oak, we see grief therapy as a place to:
slow down
listen to what your body has been carrying
make space for emotions without being overwhelmed by them
feel less alone with what you’ve been holding
Grief therapy can help adults, children, and families understand their responses with compassion rather than judgment. It offers a steady relationship where grief is allowed to unfold at its own pace, without timelines or expectations.
For some people, grief work also includes gently addressing trauma responses that developed alongside the loss. This is always done carefully, with attention to safety and nervous system regulation.
“But It Was a Long Time Ago…”
This is one of the most common reasons people hesitate to seek support. Here’s what we want you to know: if something still shows up in your body or heart, it still matters. Time alone doesn’t heal grief—relationship does. And you are allowed to seek support at any point, even if the loss feels distant on a calendar. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is a representation of love.
A Gentle Closing
If you’re noticing grief in your life—whether loud or quiet, recent or long-standing—you don’t have to carry it alone. You don’t have to decide anything today. You don’t have to know exactly what you need. If you’re in Austin and looking for support, our therapists at Wild Oak offer grief therapy that is warm, grounded, and deeply respectful of your experience.
